Agents of Hubskina
Well, this is unfortunate for us all
”What are you doing here? This is creepy as hell you know that?”
“What . . . no not at all . . .”
“How did you even get me in here? Holy shit I’m tied to a chair?”
“Shh . . . no more talking . . .”
“Oh god you’re putting a finger over my lips holy shit this is so weird please stop”
“Don’t you recognize this place?”
“Yes but that still doesn’t explain how you got here!”
“You can’t say ‘Magick’ as an explanation if it isn’t fantasy!”
“What is this even . . .. What happened to this place . . ..”
“Want to find out”
“Yes, can you just tell me so we can both leave and never speak of this again . . .”
“2o minutes into the future . . .”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo . . .”
We meet our old and new heroes a gloomy, foggy, hazy and vaguely dystopian night.
A woman of a hard to place age is sitting behind a desk, no doubt very powerful but still dolled up as if that mattered when she did what she did for a living.
“What do I do for a living?”
“You kill people”
“What? No? I would never? And why am I dressed like this? It looks like a nerdy teenager with a dubious sense of fashion dressed me!”
“Well considering the business you are in you better get used to this. You are meeting a new recruit today”
“What? Who? What do you mean recruit?”
As she was speaking, no doubt to impressed by her new powers, uniform, name, job, and life to say a word another awed player stepped on the field.
"Hi, I'm sorry... They just told me to come here... They were very persuasive..."
“Did they do something bad to you? I’ll help you if you . . .”
“No you will not, you are the very strict and slightly maternal figure that Agent Waters here will rely on – but also feel uncomfortable feelings towards”
“What, no? They told me to come here or they’d kill everyone I know!”
“Are you sure it wasn’t more like ‘come with us to save your family’”
“No, I’m pretty sure they were the threat, with their guns, and threats, and them saying ‘come with us or we’ll kill your family with these guns”
“Ah . . .”
“What? Did you just threaten him and everyone he loves? This is unacceptable!”
“Yeah, more of that tone! That’s it!”
“Too far, too far! Same anger . . . Cleaner words. You have to be professional you know”
Lilian Snow sat down behind her desk, instructing Young Agent Waters finally having accepted the importance of her role, probably briefing him on his new mission – deciding he was a bit hot-headed and had to work with a calming influence . . . Someone like Senior Agent Hedwig Summers. Hedwig was walking over some plains, or some other environment that look really cool. She looked thoughtful, and fierce . . . She was amazing and cool . . . Stylish and could kill with a look . . . Let’s see what she is up to.
“I prefer Ref”
“Hedwig Summers is a much more professional name.”
“Holy shit have you seen what I am wearing? Professionalism is not really something you can achieve in this”
“My hair is blue and I’m wearing . . . THIS!”
“It’s needed for what you’ll be doing”
“Wait . . . What? I’ll be doing what?”
Having received word of her mission Hedwig walked off into the sunset – which also happened to be the direction of Hubski City.
We should see how well our other important people are getting along. Wonderfully one must assume.
“And fuck you, and your little dog and/or cat, and everything you stand for and love and also your hair in particular!”
“What is wrong with my hair - that is probably the least offensive of everything I’m wearing.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me”
“After everything that has happened that is understandable”
“No worries. Ehh . . . Do you have any idea what we should do?”
“No . . . None at all”
“Just as I expected”
“Well fuck you. I’ll have you know I’m very competent and . . .”
“You’re doing it again.”
“Sorry, I have no idea . . . It just came out and . . .”
“I didn’t even really insult you. I have no memories either . . . I feel like I’ve just been dropped here, without context or explanation. I wasn’t surprised it was the same for you”
“Ah . . . Okay. I’m sorry . . . I really am”
“It’s okay. After this I will buy us, and every other poor soul a really, really strong drink in the hopes that it will kill enough brain cells for us to forget this.”
“That sounds dangerous”
“Do you want to remember this?”
Ah . . . Suck passion! Such hot-headedness! He is a loose cannon and no-one – not even Lilian Snow can tell him what to do! It is so wonderful to see young new talent come through. But enough of this . . . I have all the time in the world to explain . . .
“That did not explain a single thing and you know it’”
“Shh . . .”
“I hate you. And what am I wearing? This is offensive on so many levels! I’m bald! Is this a wig! Did you glue someone’s hair to my chest! You’re insane! Holy shit”
“I would never put you in a wig . . .”
“So it IS someone’s hair glued to me! What would make you think this is okay in any way? What in the world could make ANYONE think this is okay? Oh god I hope this ends soon”
“No . . . This story must take it’s time . . .”
"He is sleeping..."
"Isn't he sweet..."
”Hello again . . .”
”Oh please sweet mmkay have mercy!”
“Nope, this isn’t fantasy, remember . . . No gods.”
“Fuck, so no deus ex hubskina”
“That was horrible”
“Will you let me go if I am?”
“No, I will revard you with another part of this epic saga”
“I could call it a dystology but the word fills me with punchy feelings and you are the only one here to take them out on”
“You could just call it a short story and get it over with . . .”
“Oh . . . but honey . . . you know these things have a tendency to spin out of control . . .”
“Holy shit please stop touching me . . .”
This time we will meet the horrible adversary, the horrible threat that our Agents must defend us from . . . We will meet Commander Fluffypants. He has long tortured and pillaged this land, and he and Lilian Snow are sworn enemies. But they have, or will, meet. Let us see . . . Was this where it all began? Or where it will end?
“Actually I think Klein is nice.”
“NO, he is your sworn enemy, he has killed your family!”
“Ehh . . . I’m not even sure I have/had one – no recollection”
“Well, you did have one and he stuffed them all in the fridge. All of them, even that cousin that you secretly hate”
“I have no memories of this what so ever and frankly no reason whatsoever to believe you”
“But he is EVIL”
“I thought this wasn’t a fantasy?”
“How can you know that? You have no awareness of anything – for all you know this could be in space!”
“See – I do know something”
“I could be lying?”
“So why should I belive that Klein - who seems like a perfectly nice guy by the way – stuffed an entire family in a fridge?”
“Okay, maybe he didn’t do that – but he is just as ruthles”
“Really? Why is his bame fluffypants?”
“because he is fluffy the terrible?”
“See – now even you know you are not making any sense.”
“Where is he anyway? I though this was going to be our ‘Dramatic meeting’”
“Actually I’m here”
“Under the snow . . . Turns out pretty, glittery, shiny snow is REALLY easy to sink in to”
“Wait, I’ll help you”
“GODDAMMIT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ENEMIES”
After/before/because of that day they became eternal enemies, working against each-other in everything each saying that ends justified the means. But obviously that is only true of Lilian Snow because she is GOOD with an angel theme going and Commander Fluffypants is obviously evil with the whole demon theme going on. I mean, his last name is Blood. People are so terrified of him they call him Fluffypants because his real name fills them with terror.
Maybe their eternal struggle like yin and yang, those fishes in avatar, light and darkness they should never be brought together or the whole universe would end. And now they had met.
But in another part of the . . . universe . . . Two passionate Agents were working together to solve crime and sae the world. Sent out by Lilian Summer to save the world . . . They fitted together, despite being so different – their morality was like blue and orange – natural compliments.
“Well fuck this and fuck you”
“Waters . . . You’re doing it again . . . “
“Oh god, so sorry . . . I really am . . .”
“No it is okay, maybe I was crossing a line”
“Maybe . . .”
“I know Belgium is important to you, I shouldn’t have called it ‘Literallly worse than Hitler in every conseivable way”
“Nah, I mean . . . Leopold? Kind of a dick”
“Yeah, I suppose that sounds about right . . .”
“Well fuck you, it is correct and . . .”
“You are a terrible person and I hate you and everything you stand for”
“Thank you Ref, I needed to hear that”
“Ehh . . . You’re welcome?”
See how well they are getting along, complimenting one another, helping each-other, a two man indivisible team, working as one . .
“Yeah, you’re right, we work better with other people”
“Fuck yo . . . I mean yes, yes.”
“Hmm, you’ll need a partner . . .”
“I don’t need a . . . I mean yes, thank you for helping me . . .”
“Hmm . . . I think I know a guy . . .”
“I HATE LITERALLY . . . I mean thank you, I really mean it you’ve been a wonderful help”
And they all fought together, against the all-consuming evil of the EVIL, unmentionable . . . FLUFFYPANTS . . .
“You’ve got to be kidding me”
“Nope, never been more serious in my life.
“Help me, please someone, if you can hear me I’m stuck in the white room at . . .. Mjklhdf öjlsdfhjks djhfejihf”
“Shhh . . .. Shhhhh . . . No ruining the surprise . . .
”Please let me out of here, I promise I won’t tell anyone about this room, what you are doing here, the rest of the story or any of the many creepy things you have whispered in to my ear.”
“Where is the fun in that? If you don’t tell anyone about this no-one will know of my brilliant mind, you see this all began in the year 1915 – I was . . .”
“Oh god you are monologuing– please stop monologuing”
“And then, eight years later my grandfather was born . . .”
“Stay calm eightbit, stay calm . . . They are always interrupted in the middle of their monologue . . .”
“And when the war began my grandmother was 9 years old – she was very young but she did remember . . .”
“Any minute now”
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
“And when my mother was six years old she started school – and also she . . .”
“Oh mmmkay – please make it stop”
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
“And that is how I happened to stand here – in this room –today. Telling you this story.”
. . .
“Byte? Are you listening?”
“Then let us continue”
So once again we see this evil man, this evil creature. He is EVIL with capital letters – but maybe this is before. Maybe this is when he was still human – or maybe it isn’t. We’ll just have to see.
“Ehh? This is the first time I’m visiting the city”
“Oh then it’s before. Glad you cleared that up.”
“Cleared what up? Before WHAT?”
“Before you turn EVIL. Duh.”
“EVIL? What do you mean EVIL? I’ll have you know I’m a perfectly nice well-adjusted member of society.”
“Yes of course you are. It’s before”
“Before the event that turns you EVIL. Didn’t I say so already?”
“What event? What does EVIL mean – why are we screaming that word anyway?”
“Because you are/will become shortly capital letters EVIL. Like really, really evil.”
“Capital letters make no sense while speaking. How could you ever think that would make any sense?”
“Ugh. Didn’t anyone brief you?”
“Brief me on what?”
“On THIS – you are EVIL, Lilian Snow is good, she will stop you by sending out Young Agent Waters, but he is young and hot-headed so he will have to work under the calming influence of Senior Agent Hedwig Summers – etc. etc.”
“Do what you just said make any sense to you? At all . . . wait do you mean lil?”
“I suppose her name could be shortened to that but I don’t see why you would want to – Lilian Snow is a wonderful name . . .”
“Okay, lil and . . . Hedwig? I don’t know anyone named Hedwig.”
“She prefers ref, or _refugee_ for some insane reason. I tried telling her that Hedwig Summers is a much more fitting name but . . .”
“Okay, lil and ref . . . Young Agent Waters? Hot-headed . . . Is he new here?”
“New? Yes of course he is a Young Agent. He is a new recruit to the Agency, of course he is new. Why would you ask such an inane question . . .”
“The Hubskield agency. Your arch-nemesis agency? Her Agents are Agents of Hubskield.”
“Yeah, like hubski plus shield pronounced with a hard ‘ski’ sound”
“Why are you saying all of this like it is self-evident?”
“BECAUSE IT – Obviously -IS”
“Ehh . . . Okay . . . I’ll just be going then . . .”
“But you’re supposed to have your EVIL moment!”
“I’m just going to slowly back away now.”
“WHY DOES NO-ONE UNDERSTAND THEIR PART IN THIS EPIC . . . EPIC . . . STORY. YEAH. EPIC STORY!”
And then, Commander Fluffypants walked off towards the city/town/metropolis his – and everyone else’s – life changed forever. This day the path his life would take had changed – he had turned EVIL. And . . .
“Ehh . . . Hi”
“Who are YOU?”
“I was told to come here . . .”
“Ehh . . . I’m not completely sure. You know- actually this whole thing is very unclear- maybe if someone had briefed me . . .”
“IS NO-ONE HERE CAPABLE OF ANYTHING”
“You mean me . . .”
“Commander Blood/fluffypants isn’t even sure what EVIL is, Lilian Snow isn’t his eternal enemy Young Agent Waters isn’t working with Hedwig Summers anymore . . .”
“Actually I’m pretty sure I had the wrong address . . .”
“What address where you told to come to?”
“Ehh . . . wait . . . here it is ‘under the Hubski City skyline, 20 minutes into the future, HUBSKINA.’ I mean it’s pretty vague – I probably got the wrong person and place and . . .”
“Nope, it’s here”
And as night was setting Commander Fluffypants got closer to Hubski City – no doubt with a nefarious plot involving fire, multiple fridges, an amount of casualties that started to get close to being absurd instead of fear-inducing and many, many cubic meters of blood.
And right by the skyline one of his EVIL minions lay in wait – with a porpoise we can only guess at.
“Don’t you mean ‘purpose’?”
“Aww . . . You are listening”
“Only because I’m tied here and everything is so mind-numbingly stupid I can’t concentrate on tuning you out”
“Well thank you for asking, I actually I meant porpoise. Evil people always have weird sea-creatures.”
“Oh mmmkay give me strength.”